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you matter, and why everything is making me cry…

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2014-04-02 15.45.39

you know, well, ahem, *eyes averted, blushing color rising to my cheeks, trying to shrink within my skin*…. i am one of those people who just struggles. a lot. struggles with wondering what the meaning of this life is, especially in the face of such suffering, hardship, cruelty, etc. that exists in this world. and i struggle as an individual, with why my life matters. especially, here, in this space of my life…. 2 kids who’ve left home, an independent 15-year old still home, no job – a mere stay at home person…who spends their days wandering around the house doing vaguely domestic kinds of tasks, or not doing vague domestic tasks, even putting off walking the dog, cuz she’s that lazy, or bored, or whatever… in other words a person who deserves no sympathy whatsoever. who seriously has nothing to complain about. seriously. but who still struggles and wonders – would it even matter if i stopped existing? well, it matters to the dog i guess, and dinner needs made…but what difference does that really make in the big scheme of things? so, i guess i do a lot of searching, and reading, trying to prop up my shaky “why i matter” scaffolding. and the crazy thing is, if you came to me saying these things i would want to hug you and hold you, and tuck your hair out of your face, and lift your chin and look into your beautiful eyes and tell you that “Yes!! Yes!! Yes, you absolutely matter! And YES! life matters, and this world matters! And You are irreplaceable! Without you the world is dimmer, and less life-filled!” i would want you to know that in the deepest core of your being, so that it would be a life force that carried you through all the suckfest that being human, living on planet earth, is sometimes.

there is so much pain and suffering in this world, so many people i know struggling with life, relationships, making it through the day, navigating illness or depression or divorce… and how do we even live life together when we all come to the table with different experiences, perspectives, opinions, communication skills. how does it even work? sometimes it seems to me the world is so effed up, what the hell are we doing and doing to each other? (just a sickening example – the world vision fallout) so, like i said, i do a lot of searching to prop up the “life matters” scaffolding. and maybe too, the searching is in itself a way of self-medicating.  just sitting in this suffering feels unbearable. but in this self-medicating searching something interesting happens. rarely do i find answers dammit. but what i do find is the meaning of life. it trickles and seeps in (moving at the speed of a cotton-picking glacier – for the love of God.) and the meaning is this – we are not alone in our struggling, our stories are meaningful and significant. we are meant for relationship and love and shared struggle. and no one holds the corner on truth – it seems to me that where doubt and struggle are expressed you are far closer to truth and God, and why we are all here.

gaaaaaahhhhhhhh, my feelings and thoughts are all topsy-turvy, and i don’t even know what i’m trying to say here. #$(@*&! i just want to communicate something very important, and god i want you to feel this with me, and i want us to live like it fucking matters…. i’m not going to be dismissive of this. it’s where i’m at, and it’s my story. too often i feel the need to apologize or to shield people from my craziness, but not today. i can already feel that sick knot in my stomach as i get ready to hit the publish button. but whatever – the truth is i know i’m not alone, or crazy, or unique.

the short list of things making me cry:

  • Almost every post from the very worst missionary.
  • this podcast between Krista Tippett and Desmond Tutu. The man’s delightful and infectious laugh! And especially when Krista asks Mr. Tutu about his sense of Christian truth in relation to his friend the Dalai Lama, and he says this,” Do you really think that God would say, ‘Dalai Lama, you really are a great guy, man. What a shame you’re not a Christian.?’ “
  • Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning.
  • Odd compliments - because we are all weird, and we have people who love us anyway or maybe because of it. who knows – another mystery of life… (thanks for this Melinda)
  • we should do more table dancing. don’t know why this is making me cry, it just is.
  • i wanted to cry when our church bell choir playing Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah was only acceptable as long as we didn’t display the lyrics… because i guess broken hallelujahs aren’t acceptable to that God. heaven help the soul that only has a broken hallelujah to offer… i want to tell you that the God I know will pick that broken hallelujah up and hold it as if it is the most precious and valuable thing. and after he has picked up your broken hallelujah he will hug you and hold you, and tuck your hair out of your face, and lift your chin and look into your beautiful eyes, and say, “YES!”


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